3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
