I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
