you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
