I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
