Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
