GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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