Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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