I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
