we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Randomize
