I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
