my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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