He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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