3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
