it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
