I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Randomize
