Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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