You made me cry and you don't even care
Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
