i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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