he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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