there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
