She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
