she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
