I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize