At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
