her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
