I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
