I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
