do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
