just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
