are you still at the devil's house?
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Sober January is a disaster.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
