yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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