How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
