I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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