you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
His hands were made for my vagina.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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