I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
