Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
