When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
