Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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