You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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