Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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