went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
