he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
