i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize