Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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