it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Houston, we have a squirter
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
