I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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