My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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