Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
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