She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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