"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Randomize
