Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
