If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
