Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Randomize
