if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Randomize
