So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize