I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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