Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Randomize
