We got so high we made milksteak
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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