The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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