last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
