yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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