Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize