You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize