Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
