in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
